Europe Pictures--in random order, sorry!

Gustav enjoys nutella and peanut butter sandwiches on picnics. I think he really just enjoys licking the filling out. But then again, who wouldn't? :)


Gustav loved splashing in the cool, clean lake!


Heidi, Tim and Gustav


Sister time.


Beautiful!


Evening at the lake our greatgreat grandfather fished in.


Kerstin, Gulvi and Willi


Tim and Gustav relaxing in the shade--Sweden was very warm while we were there!


Cousin Gulvi


The cottage--it has no running water, so Willi and Gulvi have to lug it with them all the time.


Willi got a workout pulling Gustav all over. They were very good friends!


Exploring the property.


Cousins Gulvi and Willi's land and cottage.


Oversized and undersized--we had lots of fun climbing on these at Astrid Lindgren World.


Gustav's throne.


Playing in the rock fountains.


It took Gustav awhile to figure out what was happening, but once he did, he didn't want to leave.


Heidi and Tim discussing the very "American" never ending drinks with your meals at Astrid Lindgren World--this included lingonberry juice and BEER! What a great place!


Drinking Lingonberry juice with dinner. Yum! :)


Our Swedish family at the cottage.


Gustav rearranging the furniture at the little houses at Astrid Lindgren World--he loved to move the tables and chairs around.


Playing at Astrid Lindgren World--the houses were more Gustav sized than Erica sized.


Exploring the area around the fish smoker.


Sampling the finished product--Gustav was a big fan.


Finished product--salmon, eel and trout.


Talking about spices used to flavor the fish and how to package it.


Fish smoker describing the history of the place and the smoking process.


Raw fish getting ready for the smoker.


Cousin Anders, our tour leader.


On the sea at the fish smoker. Cousin Kerstin, Heidi and Gustav.


Partially packed vehicle--no where near done, and so much more to find places for.


Gustav and Heidi relaxing.


My baby "sister" Eliane.


Goodbye gifts from the Hausgemeinshaft.


Fun in the kitchen while cleaning up the party.


Kristin and Eliane--so glad I got to see both of them, and I really wish they lived closer to us!


Laughing at some story Heidi and Kristin were telling.


The church sending and farewell service for Heidi, Tim and Gustav.


Gustav loves taco salad, enough so that he grabbed a chair and hoisted himself up to the table to eat out of the bowl at the farewell party. Either that, or we weren't feeding him enough.


Kristin and Heidi making caramel corn. Very sticky, and much discussion over which is the best way to eat caramel corn--crunchy bits or sticky balls? We all have our favorites! :)


Tim was in charge of beverages for the party, and this is only a portion of what was purchased. I think he did an excellent job of calculating how much to buy. I would have loved to try the beers he bought, they certainly looked and smelled good!


Gustav loves to observe from his window and watch the people who reside in the Hausgemeinshaft. And, of course, everything is much better if you're doing it naked, right?!? :)


Gustav "helping" Kristin roll out cinnamon roll dough. I'm not sure who ate more dough...Kristin or Gustav. :)


Eating the dough...not sure she did this before meeting Heidi and picking up a "bad" habit.


Bedtime stories for Gustav and Kristin.


Cooking with Gustav, he's always very eager to help and sample.


Gustav's bathtime. He loves playing in the water, and has changed quite a bit from that first bath I witnessed so long ago. No more screaming! :)


Kristin and I relaxing in the shade, enjoying fresh strawberries and currants while watching Gustav run naked in the sun!


Gustav waving "Tschuss" before heading to bed.


Setting up the grill for the big farewell party.


Eliane at the farewell party.


Heidi "sleeping" in Gustav's bed...I think this was an attempt to quiet a tantrum. :)

Everything...

So it’s been several weeks, err…maybe even months…, since my last post. During that time I’ve crammed as much in as possible, and it feels like I need to stop to catch my breath and recover before I head back to school.

My last post talked about how I was leaving the country to spend some time with Heidi, Tim and Gustav. I had a wonderful trip, and loved the time we spent together. I started the trip by travelling to Frankfurt, Germany and staying with them while they finished up the last week of work. Gustav and I had some good one-on-one bonding time while Tim and Heidi put in their last hours at their respective jobs. One of my favorite times of the entire trip was the Farewell Party that Heidi and Tim threw for themselves (odd custom, if you ask me…). It was a wonderful time of fellowship with good friends—sad goodbyes and happy stories were shared. A highlight for me was seeing our former exchange student, Eliane, and spending time with her and another friend in the kitchen. One of our good friends, Kristin, flew in from the Canary Islands to surprise them. While it provided some additional stress for Heidi beforehand (she knew there would be a visitor, but didn’t know WHO), once she saw Kristin, I think all that stress evaporated and she had a great time enjoying the time we could spend together. Heidi, Gustav, Kristin and I all spent time baking “American” treats like cinnamon rolls, and caramel popcorn, and there was plenty of time spent gabbing and telling stories. We spent the last day packing up their belongings and figuring out how they would fit in the vehicle we had rented. We then headed to Hamburg and an overnight visit with our dear friends Reinhold and Gertraud Mesterharm. It had been several years since I had seen them, and it was good to spend a supper catching up with them. Hopefully I will be able to see them again, and much sooner than the many years that have passed between my visits. After Hamburg we headed through Denmark with Sweden as our destination. We had a wonderful drive—rainy until we hit the border of Denmark and Germany and then the sun broke through. It was a beautiful drive, and plenty of country that I had never seen before. We were eager to arrive at our cousin’s house in Vimmerby, Sweden. We had a wonderful visit with Lund’s, spending time at their home relaxing, visiting Pippi Longstocking World, area shops, a fish smoker along the coast,a day spent at a family cottage eating, laughing and playing and wading in a beautiful lake in the evening. Our time in Vimmerby passed much too quickly, and I’m looking forward to a time I can go back again. We left Vimmerby and headed to Stockholm for several days sightseeing there before returning home to Kansas. Favorite spot in Stockholm has to be the Vasa museum, and it was nice to be able to go back and visit again when I’m a bit older and maybe more attentive?  I also enjoyed visiting the marketplace and just soaking up the culture and people.

We returned the rental car (and had to deal with 2 parking tickets we had received along the way), and then started the battle with plane tickets and luggage. I’m glad we got their early and were at the beginning of the line. Many plane rides later, we finally arrived in Wichita and retrieved our luggage. The only thing that was missing was the stroller, and Tim made arrangements so that would be delivered the next day. We headed back to Hesston and much needed rest. The next day we spent relaxing and hosting a Welcome Back/4th of July party for the Buller and Huber relatives. I loved exposing Gustav to the fireworks—he had no fear and was very good at “helping” me. He especially loved throwing the little snappers and then stepping on them to make them pop. He still is trying to stamp things out when we play together…

Since getting back from my travels, I’ve been working at the massage clinic and spending lots of time with friends. I’ve been teaching summer school in the mornings (last week, this week, and next week) and then working in the afternoons at the clinic. Yesterday my cousin Carmen hosted a spa party, so I packed up my table and headed to Wichita. After teaching summer school in the morning, and then doing 6 massages in the afternoon, I was pooped by the time I got home. It was a good time, and I enjoyed catching up with people I hadn’t seen in awhile.

Last Friday, after I got done with summer school, I drove to Hesston and Mom, Dad and I piled into the car and headed to Denver. We stayed with Buller cousin Anthony and his wife Farrell, and attended Johnson cousin Eric and Anna’s wedding in Aurora. It was nice to see both sides of my family—and most importantly, family members I don’t normally see. Anthony and Farrell were wonderful hosts, and made us feel very welcome. On Sat. morning before the wedding, we headed to Boulder and some special shopping for me. We hit Whole Foods, and I found several new and exciting Gluten Free goodies. My biggest excitement is the GF bread by Udi’s. It toasts and holds together like real bread! The texture AND taste are great! We also went to a farmer’s market, and I bought several loaves of Aunt Kay’s breads—she makes wonderful breakfast breads like lemon poppyseed, chocolate zucchini, and cinnamon struesel coffee cake. Pricy, but worth every penny! Even my dad liked it, which means it really had to be good! We spent some time at a local lake, and then headed home to get ready for the wedding. In the evening we were hosted for a picnic like supper, and it was good to get to know Anna’s family, and interact with my own family members.

In other news, I went back to the doctor on Monday. She had ordered some more lab work, and so we talked about that. My thyroid level is being over-replaced, so we are going to alternated 2 different levels of the medication to see whether that makes it better. My prolactin level is also fluctuating, and the labwork wasn’t clear as to what that means. While some fluctuation of prolactin is normal, it depends on the day and activities, the fact that it is not within the normal limit on either of my last 2 labs means that something else could be going on. She has ordered an MRI of my pituitary gland, because there is a possibility that I have a tumor that is making the levels fluctuate. I’ll have that done next Tuesday, and then I’ll go back for another followup appointment on the 11th. If the tumor is what is going on, that could also explain the elevated DHEA levels, which means I may not have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome…. Who knows at this point what is going on. I am happy to know that I am finally in good hands and with someone who will help me get to the bottom of it.

After next week, I have about 2 “free” days (which are already filling up with appointments, and things “to-do”) before I start back to school and full-time responsibilities there. My summer has flown by…

I’ve been meaning to post pictures from the trip, but I think that will have to be a post unto itself.

I'm leaving...on a jet plane...don't know when I'll be back again...

Tomorrow morning, at 10:15 a.m., I'll be leaving to go and visit Heidi, Tim and Gustav. My bags are packed (at least for the most part, there are a few items still getting done in the laundry)...and I'm eager to spend some time with my loved ones.

I'm looking forward to the time we'll spend together. It will be a time for Heidi and Tim to say goodbye to their friends and coworkers, and so I anticipate some sadness. It has been 3 years, and they have made many close friendships. It will also be a time of great happiness (at least I hope!) as I know there are a few surprises planned. As much as Heidi loves to plan surprises, she isn't the best recipient of them... :) How I'm enjoying being on the other end of the surprise and watching her squirm!

I'll be spending some quality time with Gustav while Heidi and Tim finish up their jobs these coming weeks. I'm eager to get to know Gustav again, and spend some good time bonding with him. I haven't seen him since they were visiting at Spring Break time, over a year ago now. I'm hoping the weather cooperates, and we'll be able to do some time playing outdoors, and exploring Bammental together. I'm sure I'll be feeling as though I'm back in Munich and my nanny days...although I'll be a kid short now and won't have to do quite as much grocery shopping probably!

We're renting a car, and driving from Bammental to Hamburg, spending an evening with our dear friends, the Mesterharms, and then heading for Sweden. At this point, we're still uncertain as to what our route will be (and I'm getting a bit anxious about this, since I'm the primary driver) but I'm sure that between the 3 of us and the GPS we'll get there. The uncertainty lies in which ferries/bridges we'll be taking, and how long the trip will actually be. We'll be staying with relatives in Sweden for a few days, and then heading to Stockholm and a youth hostel for the final days before returning to the States on July 3rd. I'm looking forward to visiting the Vasa museum again, and looking for some more crystal to add to my collection.

For some of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you will remember that I invited all of you to my little house in Marion to celebrate "The Dirty 3rd in the Dirty South"--a celebration started many years ago by a group of bachelors that lived down the street that has since grown to gigantic proportions even though the bachelors have moved on--much partying and a fantastic fireworks show. Since I will be traveling home to the US on the 3rd, I will have to rescind my invitation for this year, although I'd be happy to have all of you next year on the 3rd of July at my house. I suppose you can still show up and use my driveway (as I'm sure plenty of other people will be, although please pick up your beer cans after yourself! ;) ) I just won't be able to be there to host and enjoy your company.

Results

After several hours working for my parents today (I stained trim and closet doors, as well as did some painting in their guest room in preparation for putting wallpaper up in a few days) I went to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Herbel this afternoon.

Since the last time I wrote about all of this, I have tried to focus on the many other parts that my life consists of, in an attempt not to get as upset about it all. As today got closer and closer, it was harder for me not to think about it and let the worry creep in.

My doctor appointment today brought a few more answers, but also a new round of questions. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome still seems to be where we're heading for a diagnosis, but since it is a syndrome, instead of a disease, there is no test that says "yes, you have it" or "no, you don't". I have many of the symptoms, and the diagnosis "fits".

After the last visit, Dr. Herbel ordered another round of tests, plus a sonogram. The sonogram shows that I have cysts on both of my ovaries. And one of the lab tests shows that I have elevated prolactin levels. Elevated prolactin could indicate that my thyroid level is still not regulated as well as it should be (although, it is testing in the "normal" range right now), or it could mean that I have a tumor on my pituitary gland.

Dr. Herbel has adjusted my thyroid medication again, as well as prescribed two more medications to take. I'll be starting Metformin and Spironolactone in the coming days, and I'm hoping that these will help alleviate some of nasty symptoms I'm suffering from. I'll have more blood work in 7 weeks, and then go back for another appointment in 8 weeks.

I leave on the 15th to go to Germany to visit Heidi, Tim and Gustav. We'll be packing up their belongings, saying goodbyes, and then doing some traveling in Sweden. Some of these drugs have some side effects, and so I'm a little worried about it all. I'm sure that it will all end up being ok, and that I'm worrying for nothing... What I'm actually most worried about is being able to eat gluten free as much as possible while traveling. I've decided that all I can do is avoid what I can, and there may be times that it is unavoidable and I will eat gluten because there are no other options. I've also decided that there are a few things that I WILL eat while I'm there--like REAL pizza, wiener schnitzel, etc... I'll have to pack some extra migraine drugs...

Zwiebach

While surfing the net last night I stumbled across a new blog (Mennonite Girls Can Cook). I've got several blogs that I check consistently, and this will be added to the list. This blog is a group of several women who all contribute recipes and stories, and many of them keep of blogs of their own. What brought me to the site was a reference on another blog to a Verenika recipe that was posted. One of the contributors also has Celiac...and I'm eager to try her variations of traditional Mennonite recipes. When is the next time the Buller's are getting together for Verenika?!? I'm prepared now! :) Thanks Julie!

One of the things I've missed the most is eating bread at family gatherings. Grandma Buller was known far and wide for her baking (being a cook at the school helped with this, I'm sure!), and her speciality was zwiebach. We were always eager to fill up on her zwiebach whenever we gathered as a family. In the past years she hasn't been able to bake, and so I tried to fill her role... Because of my love of baking, at each family dinner I volunteer to bring the bread as my contribution. Even with my celiac diagnosis, I enjoy baking bread, and I continue to bring it whenever we get together.

Last night, after finding the new website, I eagerly shot off an email to Julie, the contributor that also has celiac. I hoped that she had tried to make zwiebach, and if so that she would be willing to share her recipe. This morning I awoke to her reply. She hasn't made zwiebach, but will soon post a recipe for rollkuchen.

As I had the day off today to celebrate Memorial Day, and since I had zwiebach on the brain, I decided to try my hand at making them gluten free. I used Grandma Buller's recipe, only cutting it in 1/2 and substituting Pamela's Products Bread Mix. While the texture isn't quite the same (not as light and fluffy as white bread flour would make them), they do taste good, especially with the homemade rhubarb jam I had in the pantry.



Gluten Free Zwiebach
1 1/4 cup milk, scalded
3 TB sugar
1 TB yeast (I just used the yeast packet in the bread mix)
6 T. melted shortening
1 egg
1 tsp. salt
4 cups Pamela's Bread Mix (one bag)

**Next time I will add some xantham gum to the mix to see if that helps with the elasticity.

Black and White

or a whole 'lotta gray...

It's been a month since I last wrote... There are the normal excuses of work and responsibilities, and the fact that my life just isn't all that interesting...but the truth would be that it is mostly because I've been unsure of what to write.

This past year has been full of drama, or at least it has felt like that to me. The culmination of which was my surgery in November. I thought that with the removal of the mass that had grown intertwined with my vocal chords and with the news that the growth was non-cancerous; my life would get back to normal. Then came the news that some, if not all, of my health problems of the past years could be tied to that evil thing—gluten. It was with relief and a good amount of happiness (at least on most days) that I traded the gluten for being migraine free. I thought that with time and the proper amounts of medication my thyroid hormones would become more normal, and I would start to feel better.

Time has certainly passed, and with it my patience and understanding with the medical profession. I was still having nagging symptoms, things that “should” have been cleared up with my surgery and with the correct amounts of thyroid medication. Since I was getting no where and just getting more and more frustrated, I took it upon myself to seek a second opinion. I was finally able to get in to see the Endocrinologist 3 weeks ago.

With all the doctors I went to through the years for my migraines, I’ve become disillusioned with the medical profession. I know there are many doctors out there who care about their patients, and truly listen. I do know that because of insurance companies and legal requirements, many doctors are frustrated with their own profession and feel that their hands are tied and that they are unable to provide the care that their patients need. With all that being said, I’m afraid that I haven’t had the chance to meet many of those doctors, the ones that actually care about their patients. Instead my experiences have been more likely to include a few minutes of face time with a physician who doesn’t make eye contact, and a quickly written new prescription to try that will have horrible side effects. No attempt at listening or discovering what the root problem might be. One more patient in and out of the office… And I end up feeling like a lab rat, as my body struggles to adjust to everything I’m being asked to put into it.

It was with hope and more than a little fear that I made that appointment. To start the process over with a new doctor, reviewing my entire medical history and current complaints… How would the appointment go? Would I be brushed off…sent home with yet another prescription…or worse yet told that I was exaggerating my symptoms and that I should just learn to live with how I’m feeling…

I am so thankful to say that I’ve found one of those doctors that I’ve always known is out there, but have not had the opportunity to work with on many occasions. Dr. Herbel took the time to LISTEN to me… She took copious notes… She asked good questions, and asked me to describe what was actually happening and how I FELT… She cried when I cried… She EXPLAINED and answered all of my questions… She was not intimidated by the fact that I read about and try to understand what is happening in my body… She is AMAZING. At the end of it, the only things she had done was change me to Synthroid instead of generic (and she took the time to explain why no one should take generic thyroid medications), and ordered a full round of lab tests.

6 vials of blood and 3 weeks later, I’ve had my second appointment with her. Being the person I am, I took the time to read about the tests she ordered, and what the lab work could indicate. Sometimes it is better to be oblivious, and this may have been the case with this as well. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks thinking about the things I’ve read, and what might be happening in my body. Some of the things, frankly, have scared me. But I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t worry until I’ve talked with Dr. Herbel about it all and found out what the tests actually say.

I’m still operating in the gray area. I have to say that I am happy that I had read about the tests, as uneasy as it made me in the last weeks. If I hadn’t learned about them, I wouldn’t have been prepared with questions, and I think I would have been more upset with the news today. From what my lab work says (elevated DHEA-Sulfate level) Dr. Herbel thinks that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. She has ordered another round of lab work (I’ll do that tomorrow), as well as a sonogram (which will be Monday). With the symptoms I’ve got though, it is a good chance that this is my answer.

All of those thoughts that caused worry these past weeks have been going through my mind again as I drove home from Newton, and now as I sit and type. There are many things that I hope and dream for my future, and other things that I’ve put on hold until it is the right time in my life. With this diagnosis comes the reality that those things may not happen for me. Again, I was thankful that I had read about all this, and had come prepared with possible questions. Dr. Herbel calmly answered my queries, and I left with optimism that there is possible treatment to help with the symptoms, as well as hope for those dreams I’ve got.

It is another 3 weeks until I can go back to Dr. Herbel, and I’m anticipating that my gray space will become more black and white at that time. Until then, it will be a mad-dash to the end of school year. My life will be busy, and I’ll go about it as I usually do—trying to cram as much in as possible.

Much love to all of you!
Erica

Recipes

As time goes by, I'm gradually changing my favorite recipes to accommodate my new diet. The truth is, as a single person, I don't have many occasions to cook and create my favorite meals, so this is taking longer than I would have thought. I'm including a couple of the recipes I've recently revamped so that when I go visit friends and family they'll have something to work with!

Swedish Pancakes (probably my number 1 comfort food!)
3/4 cup Featherlight mix
1 cup milk
3 eggs
melted butter
sugar
pinch salt

I like mine with more butter and powdered sugar sprinkled on top, or with berry syrup. Other family members prefer pancake syrup.

Cream of Chicken Soup Mix (one of the things I quickly discovered is that almost ALL canned soups have flour in them!)
2 cups dry milk
3/4 cup cornstarch
1/4 cup chicken bouillon (make sure this is Gluten Free--I use Herbox brand)
2 T. onion flakes
1 tsp. basil
1 tsp. thyme
1/2 tsp. pepper

Mix 1/3 cup mix to 1 cup water. If you want more pronounced chicken flavor, use chicken broth in place of the water. 1/3 cup mix is equal to one can of cream of chicken soup. Add chopped mushrooms to make cream of mushroom soup. **This is much cheaper and lower in fat than the actual canned soup!
______________________________________________________
In other news, I'm still having trouble regulating my thyroid medication. I've become very frustrated with how my appointments have gone with Dr. Cranston, and the general lack of attention I'm getting while I'm feeling so crummy. The awful side effects continue, and I feel like I'm not getting any real attention or help with trying to figure out what to do. I've made an appointment with an Endocrinologist for April 15 (that is the soonest I can get in, and I made the appointment almost 2 weeks ago now!). I'm hopeful that she'll listen and help me find a good balance. I'm feeling worse now than I did before the surgery, if that tells you anything, and it's very frustrating feeling as though I have to fight the medical community in order to be heard and taken seriously.

This week my 4th graders are completing the reading and math state tests. It will be a full week, and we're all eager for Easter break. My body is getting very run down between working at the school, and at the massage clinic, as well as the other activities I'm responsible for and I definitely need some down time to recuperate. I'm looking forward to spending some time at my little home, but also seeing friends and family and celebrating Christ's resurrection.

Drip, drop, drip, drop

The sun has come out, and is beginning to melt some of the snow that has accumulated since yesterday afternoon. The icicles on the sides of the house are releasing, and plummeting to the ground. The weather lately has been crazy--shorts and sandals weather earlier in the week, and turning to blizzard yesterday. We started with rain, and dropping temperatures, which turned to ice pellets yesterday afternoon, then ice pellets and snow, and then snow in the evening, throughout the night and into this morning. We did get dismissed from school at 1:15, so it has been nice to have a bit of extra time at home.

I was supposed to have 2 massage appointments this morning, but both were cancelled (of course only AFTER I had woken up early and gotten ready!). Instead, I've spent the day in my house, bumming around. I did go outside long enough to shovel the driveway (it felt like we had 12 feet of snow, but I'm pretty sure it may only be about 6-8 inches). The only part that isn't cleared now is the very end--and I'm just going to say 'no' to that...the wonderful city guys have created a mountain at the edge of my drive from clearing streets--I'm hopeful that it will melt soon. I also had to make a path to the rabbits this morning, as the back door was frozen shut from the rain, and drifted snow.

I've got a pile of laundry that needs to be folded, but instead I'm planning on sitting on the couch for awhile, posting this blog, and possibly starting a Netflix movie. There is always tomorrow (church has been cancelled), so the laundry can wait until then. Right now I've got a batch of meatballs baking in the oven, so the house is starting to smell really good. I'll include the recipe (maybe Heidi and Tim can make these for the hausgemeinschaft? It makes a BIG recipe!). This is adapted from a friend's recipe...I think I'll throw a potato in the oven too and have that too.

BBQ Meatballs
3 1/2 lbs hamburger
1 (13 oz) can Carnation milk
2 cups oats (Gluten free, please!!! Bob's Red Mill is the brand I used)
2 eggs
2 t. salt
1/2 t. garlic powder
1/2 t. pepper
2 chopped onions
2 T. chili powder
Mix the above ingredients and shape into meatball shape (you could also bake as a meatloaf, or individual meat loaves in muffin tins) and put into a 9x13 pan. Bake in 350 degree oven for one hour. While they are baking, make the BBQ sauce. After 20-30 minutes pour off some of the grease in the pan, and then pour the BBQ sauce over. Try to bake them at least 30 minutes with the BBQ sauce on them so that they have good flavor. **These can be made ahead and frozen without the BBQ sauce. Then you'll need to bake them about 1 1/2 hours.

BBQ Sauce
2 cups catsup
1 t. garlic salt
1 onion, chopped
2 TBSP liquid smoke
2 cups brown sugar

Mix the sauce ingredients and bring to a boil. Pour over the meatballs after getting rid of some of the grease.

...poisoning yourself, and hoping that your enemy will die...

While driving to Omaha last Friday for my cousin Craig’s wedding, I had the chance to dig out some of my CDs that I haven’t listened to lately. It isn’t often that I’m in one place long enough to truly listen to the words of songs, and think about how they relate to my own life. If you’ve read some of my earlier postings, I’m sure that you realize that I love music. The truth is that while it is a large part of my life, it is sometimes relegated to the background. While I need to have the constant music going, I really enjoy the times that I can sit down and LISTEN.

One of the CDs that I brought with me for the car ride was a CD that Jon, my brother-in-law’s brother, made for me. He ran the sound for the John McCutcheon concert at Mem Hall last year, and was kind enough to burn me a copy of the entire concert. John McCutcheon is one of my favorite folk artists—his songs and stories ring true for me. There were some very special moments in the concert, lots of good stories, and a large group of Mennonites singing 606. It was amazing!

One of the stories that he related that night was about his father-in-law and the wonderful relationship they have. Amid stories about all the good things his father-in-law had brought with him when he emigrated from Cuba, McCutcheon told this story.

“…Carlos is one of the wisest men I know, and the best story teller I’ve ever heard. And no matter what you come to him with, he always has some entertaining and often illuminating story to illustrate what he thinks. A few years back I came to him and told him that I’d had a falling out with an old and dear friend, and the parting was so acrimonious I was convinced we would never reconcile...”

In the conversation Carlos says “Hatred is a terrible thing…it is like poisoning yourself, and hoping that your enemy will die. But I understand the struggle that goes on between good and evil, and love and hatred in a man. All my life it is as though I’ve had two wolves inside of me and each of them are fighting for dominance of my spirit. One of the wolves is good, and lives in harmony with all around it…never takes offense when none is intended, and only fights when it is the last possible alternative and even then only in the proper way. Ah, but the other wolf is so consumed with his own anger and hatred that he will fight with anyone, over anything at anytime. And all my life it is as though these two have been warring within me.”

McCutcheon asks, “Carlito, which one wins?”

“Ah…the one I feed…”

At the time of the concert this song and story struck me, and going back this weekend and listening to it brought several incidences to the forefront of my mind. I’ve been struggling to come up with something to write about here (to my sister’s severe protestations!) and tonight as I thought about some things happening at work, the story and song came back to me.

There are times that I become very frustrated with individuals that I work with. Recently there has been one person who repeatedly presents me with times of frustration. This has been going on all year, and affects not only myself, but an entire team. While I’m frustrated with the situation, there is another individual that has been affected even more than me. This person is a good friend of mine, and as I’ve watched the entire thing play out, I have seen her struggle with how to handle the situation. Yesterday, she reached a breaking point, and it was hard for me to watch. She was frustrated, and in her frustration she spent a good amount of time venting. While I understand that this is what she needed (and honestly it is sometimes what I myself need!), I also reached a point where I realized that sitting around the table and hashing it all out was only making us more upset. At some point, the disgruntled comments have to turn into a plan. I am a fixer at heart, and I can’t stand seeing someone so upset about what is going on.

I spent a lot of time yesterday and today thinking and praying about how I might go about fixing the problem. The situation with our team is beyond repair, I feel. We will be able to make it through the rest of the school year (just barely), but a new plan must be made for next year. My question to myself then was what I should do…and the only thing that came to mind was talking to the director about the issue. I struggle with this because it feels like I’m jumping the chain of command and turning into a tattler. We have tried to mediate within the group, and the truth is that the situation has only gotten worse and tenser. Today I spent much of my “free” time gathering my thoughts, and deciding how to phrase things. I’ve written a letter to the director, and tried to be as fair as possible about the whole thing—attempting to present facts, and not just my opinions about what has gone on. I was tempted to send it this afternoon, but I realized that I needed to spend some more time in prayer. My prayer tonight is that when I send the email tomorrow with this letter, that I will be feeding the correct wolf. I am uncomfortable with discord, and in constant pursuit of creating peace for myself and those around me. I worry that this letter will create discomfort for us as individuals, and as a team; but as a friend reminded me tonight, peacemaking includes dialogue and a resolution to the situation. The only way that will happen is if we open the lines of communication, and involve someone other than ourselves in the situation.