It has been awhile (again) since I’ve blogged. I’ve honestly thought about taking the blog down, and wondered whether this is something I still need. My original intentions were to have a place to communicate with friends and family, a place where I could journal and process my thoughts and feelings, but mostly it was to be a way for my sister and her family to stay in touch with me while they were overseas. Said sister has since moved home, and I see them on a regular basis. I know that I have family members and friends who continue to check this as a way to keep in touch with me, and as a way to understand what I am thinking about. Unfortunately, there are some side effects to having a blog that is open to the community at large. Throughout the time, there have been inappropriate comments left on the blog by complete strangers (which I have taken down as they emerge). It is also a way for people that I would rather not have contact with (for various reasons) to keep “track” of me. I realize that I could change the format so that only selected people can view the blog and it’s contents. This seems like a whole lot of work, which is why I’ve been thinking more seriously about discontinuing it all together. The other thought that pops into my head is that I know there are individuals out there who do read this and look for my updates on a regular basis. I know that this is one of the many ways that they show that they care for me. It is these people that I keep coming back to, and that convince me that this is something I “need” to continue. And so, I think I will. There may be stretches where I post many times, and then there may be times (like more recently) when you won’t hear anything from me. Such is life! ☺

My life has changed courses several times over the past months since January. On some subjects I am willing to expound, while others I will remain “mum” over. These months have been some of the hardest of my life as I’ve pondered what my life means to me, as well as to others. I’ve felt incredible sadness, consuming anger, hurt that I didn’t think it was possible to recover from…. On the other hand, I am finding my way back to being me, and putting the pieces back together. I have felt incredible PEACE. I have JOY in my life. I know that I am LOVED. And, I know that God is guiding me through this all and will show me His plans for me.

Eric and I have broken up, gotten back together, and then broken up (for good this time) again. I will not stoop to placing blame or badmouthing. Things did not work out and we are both hoping to move on and be better for the experience.

One of my students struggles with knowing right from wrong. There have been several incidents throughout the school year with various adults and children that have shown how serious of a problem he has. This behavior culminated in an interaction with me, which then turned into him being charged with sexual battery. I have had lots of conflicting thoughts about this, and I’ve been so thankful for the full support of the administration I’m working with this year.

I’ve begun my ESL (English as a Second Language) endorsement. Classes are in 8-week increments, and meet each week for several hours at a time. 8 weeks means lots of work out of class and tons of reading on your own. By spring of 2012 I will have my endorsement completed. I feel a bit crazy for having taken on this responsibility while I’m also trying to complete my Master’s Degree, but the school district offered to pay for the endorsement (or at least most of the costs related to it) and I realize that this offer will not come along again anytime soon.

I’m at the end of my second semester of Master’s degree coursework. I’m finishing up my final project(s) for this semester, and preparing for the summer work. I have 12 credits completed towards my degree. A few weeks ago the organization that has helped pay for most of my Master’s coursework up to this point sent me a letter asking whether I had any interest in continuing to take classes during this summer. This is the first time they’ve had enough money to offer help during the summer months, and I jumped at the chance to “knock out” some additional courses over the summer. By August I’ll have finished 6 more hours towards the degree. Slowly and steadily….

I’ve also been offered a summer position with the school district. One of the principals in the district is developing a new summer program, and I’ve been asked to help create the pilot program. I’ll be teaching Monday through Thursday mornings with 4-7th grade students for a total of 6 weeks. The principal trusts me to develop my own curriculum and activities for the students, and her only request is that it is not worksheet based learning. I’ll be taking data from achievement testing (district, state, etc…) as well as the State Standards that students need to understand and put into practice at the different grade levels and put all of that into activities for the students. I’ve already been doing quite a bit of planning in my free time, and I’m excited with what I’ve come up with so far. I’m hopeful that the kids get as excited about it as I am!

Another of the projects I’ve recently taken on is to be a spokesperson for one of the Gluten Free companies that I love. It’s a bakery called Udi’s and is based in Denver. As an Udi’s ambassador I get to meet with groups and share about the product I love so much. So far I’ve met with a group in Hesston, and will be in Wichita next weekend presenting (and handing out samples) at Green Acres Market. There are two other gluten free groups that I’m talking with about possible opportunities, and I’m excited about how I’m able to help others. Udi’s does not pay me to be a spokesperson for them, I just know how much they are a resource to me, and I want to share that with others.

I’ve been busy baking (gluten filled) treats for my friend’s bookshop. Each weekend I make a delivery of cupcakes, scones, and muffins. I’m thankful for the opportunity to bake treats, but I’ll also be thankful when the bookshop/coffee shop changes ownership hands, and I will no longer be baking on such a regular basis. Since the shop is in Newton, it is sometimes a logistical nightmare to make sure they have baked goods when they are needed.

I’ve been blessed with a new niece, as well as plenty of time to enjoy her (as well as my nephew, sister and brother-in-law). As I write this, Gustav and I are enjoying the sunshine as I wait for Mormor to show up and finish out the afternoon babysitting needs. I’ll head to the doctor and then home.

I’m praying for the final weeks of school to pass quickly. As I look at the calendar I feel overwhelmed, knowing what all needs to be packed into these days and evenings. I know it is possible, and that I will get it all accomplished, but at this point I feel stress.

Blessings to you as you enter the weeks of May. Enjoy the moments as they come and go,

Erica

Season of "Gimme"

Christmas is coming, and the beats and squeals of John Denver and the Muppets are sounding in my classroom.

This week we are focusing on the “Gift of the Magi” story. Once of my favorite stories, right up there with “The Christmas Carol” and “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”. I’m wondering whether it was too much to bite off for the kids in my class, but we are forcing our way through it. The big language is difficult for them, but the ideas and concepts in the story are so applicable. “My” kids need to hear a different version of the ideas of Christmas (and really, don’t we all?), not just the commercialized version that we see and hear. I’m always saddened by the idea of “gimme” instead of “giving”.

I’ve eagerly anticipated the Christmas season. I’ve been trying to discuss Christmas/Holiday traditions with the children in my classroom. When I listed off the important days in my family’s December/January calendar, their eyes became huge!
*Monday was the first day of celebration for me, with St. Nicholas day. Eric, Heidi, Tim and Gustav came over for an evening of Roast Beast, and shoe gifts. ☺ Some were too big for shoes, but there was much excitement on all of our parts as we discovered what had been left for us.
*Next comes St. Lucia day on this coming Monday. No gifts are exchanged, but it is a special day with lots of childhood memories involved. I’m just glad I no longer have to get up early and carry lighted candles on my head while singing to family members and bringing them treats. I was always jealous that they were able to wake up and have breakfast in bed.
*December 25, Christmas Day. Eric and I will celebrate for several days between the two families. We will also make a trip up to the farm over New Years, to enjoy some more Christmas celebration.
*January 6 is Three Kings Day. I’ve never celebrated this day before, but Eric is bringing this tradition with him. We always talked about the Three Kings coming in our house, but it was more attached to the time period we actually took our Christmas tree down, rather than anything else. I’m excited to add another day of celebration and another new family tradition.

Things to be thankful for:
*The trip to Chicago went well. Eric and I had a great time, and certainly not enough time. We went to the Aquarium, and a Bears game. We also ate at a few restaurants, and showed me some of the area. We’ll have to go back sometime, because there is still so much I want to see!
*I also went to Denver for a long weekend. The school has asked that I be on the Social Studies Curriculum committee as the Special Education representative. They also tapped me and asked that I go to the National Social Studies Conference in Denver. I had a wonderful time, meeting and getting to know more people from the district I now work for, as well as taking in the various parts of the conference. Usually teachers are reluctant to go to in-services and conferences because we are never sure what we will have to sit through. This was a completely different experience for me. Every session I went to was fantastic, and I was able to come back with plenty of ideas to implement in my own classroom. I also came back laden with all sorts of freebies from textbook companies and tour agencies. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to travel as part of my job!?! Someday…
*Thanksgiving weekend brought family from near and far, as well Eric’s safe arrival in Kansas. For good. ☺ There was, and is, much to be thankful for! I had a great time with the Buller family members, and I always enjoy my time catching up with the cousins. I have been blessed by a wonderful, supportive family (both Johnson and Buller sides). I also was able to spend time with Eric’s side of the family, and the Wallaces did a great job of making me feel welcome.
*Work continues to be a place that I find joy. I love the people I’m working with. I love the people I’m working for. I love the subject matter I am teaching. I love the kids that I’m working with…. Life is good. Eric also seems to be enjoying his new job (started Dec. 6), and I’m impressed with all the people he’s already met. I’m hopeful that he will find as much joy at his new job as I have with mine.
*I’ve been busily making cookies to celebrate the Christmas season. Last night I made gluten free Spritz cookies, and I have to say it was a huge success! There have been several recipes that have proven difficult to convert, and I’m happy to say that these are no longer on that list! Also on the table at home are peanut butter kisses, chocolate oatmeal nobake cookies, and white chocolate peppermint brittle. I think I may have to make another round of Spritz, fudge and possibly try some cutout sugar cookies to decorate. Oh, and I’ll need a few volunteers to eat it all!

Christmas blessings to all of you! Take time to count the things you have to be thankful for!

God IS working His purpose out!

The last months have been filled with stress and heartache, and yet so much happiness as well. It was hard for me to make the decisions that led up to me leaving Marion, but it is evident that I made the right decisions. As much as I hated to leave my church family and friends, God has had His hand in it all, and I know that He has good things in store for me.

Thanks to all that helped me move! The crew that helped load the truck and the crew that unloaded in Hutchinson both did a great job. It was a busy and very hot day, and I am thankful for all that volunteered their time. What added more stress to the entire event was the fact that I wasn’t able to stay in Hutchinson and unpack everything. Instead I spent most of the rest of the weekend in Hutch, only to drive back and teach another 2 weeks of summer school in Marion. It is difficult knowing that you have so much work waiting for you (unpacking), and that you aren’t able to go and do it. That last 2 weeks was a good time for me too, because it meant that I had 2 weeks devoted to spending time and making memories with my good friends in Marion. Thanks to Julie and Quinn, and Kym and Troy who opened their homes to me when I was homeless! Thanks for the meals, the beds, the running water, and especially the time spent together talking and laughing!

Before leaving Marion, I took in 2 different trainings, one on Reiki (for use with massage therapy) and the other on Macs. It’s been many years since I’ve worked on Apple computers, but my new position in Hutch requires me to. I wanted to make sure I had brushed up on my Apple skills before being confronted with an entire class full of kids staring at me, and me not being able to bring up the activities I want. Both classes went well, and I’ve already used many things I learned in those days.

Tuesday, August 10th, brought the first day I needed to report in Hutchinson. It was a day filled of training for Special Education teachers new to the Hutchinson district. The following 3 days were new-teacher trainings for Hutchinson. After that came a week full of trainings and meetings for all teachers that work for Hutchinson.

We’ve had two full weeks of school with kids now, and I have to say, I LOVE my job! I love the people I am working with, I love the subjects I am teaching, and I’m really excited about the kids (I can’t say I love them yet…but I’m sure that before the year is out, I’ll love them too!). I’ve been so impressed with the levels of support built into the Hutchinson school district. I’ve got a mentor teacher (even though this is my 8th year of teaching), I have a “professional friend” (a different person who is assigned to make sure I have everything I need, as well as invitations to events, and a person to sit next to in trainings, etc…), the teachers I am working with have all been really supportive, and I’m enjoying my time with them. The administrators that I work with consistently show their support of their staff (what a refreshing concept!); I’ve got two great paraprofessionals that work for me… My list could go on and on…

The unpacking is coming to a close. Most everything has found a home, and I’m anticipating being completely done with it by the end of the week. The only room that isn’t unpacked at this point is the room that will be my office and massage room. I’ve already got people asking when I’ll be ready for clients, so I’m happy that that is all falling into place too!

Thank you for the many prayers you’ve said on my behalf! I appreciate them so much! Please make sure to drop by next time you are in the area! I would love to show off my new home and I love having company!

Much love,
Erica

Bit by bit...

The summer is seeping away.

I was supposed to babysit a daughter of one of my friends each day, but that fell through the day before it was supposed to start. While I was disappointed, I know God had a hand in it all. My summer has been jam packed even without that time, and I know that HE made it so that my schedule this summer was more manageable!

People ask what has kept me so busy, and I honestly can't point to one thing and say "that's it!". My life is normally very busy, and while I often wish for it to slow down (and think that summer will be the magical time of the year when it finally does!), I don't know that I would actually enjoy the slower pace if it were ever to appear.

I've been glad to have the time this summer to visit my grandparents, uncle, and aunt on the farm with my parents. We went to enjoy the Chautauqua that was in North Platte for almost a week. It was nice to have the time to enjoy the afternoon sessions and spend time together in the evenings learning about the 30's and the Great Depression. Really interesting stuff, and very applicable to what is happening today.

I've also had the freedom to pick up and spend time with Heidi, Tim and Gustav. I've been able to do some babysitting when it was needed, and I always love anytime I get to spend with my nephew!

I'm slowly packing up my house at 912 Highland. Every couple of weeks I make a trip to Hutch to check on the new place, get the mail, do additional cleaning, pick up things at the school. I also make a point of taking a full car-load of items at the same time and unpacking them while I'm there. Hopefully it will mean less stress on moving day, and less stress to unpack before school starts!

Moving day is set for July 24. I'm unsure as to how many people will be showing up to help, and this is an item that is a bit stressful for me right now. I'm sure it will all work itself out, but until the actual day I will continue to worry that there won't be enough people. I'm also praying for a cool, cloudy day, with no rain. July can be beastly in KS!

I've been fairly busy at the massage clinic these weeks of summer. While I was anticipating no longer working at the clinic after the last week of July, I believe that Carolan and I have come to an agreement that I will still come back to Marion once per month to help with Saturday clients. This will be good for both of us, I think! I'll get to keep some of my clients (hopefully), plus I'll be able to visit some of my loved ones on a fairly regular basis! I am continuing to plan for and prepare for opening my own massage business in Hutch. It is another item that I worry about, because I've got a client base built up in Marion, and now I'll be starting over. I'm sure God will have his hand in that too.

As I write this, I'm sitting at my cousin's house in Omaha. Craig and Jen invited me to come up for a few days. It has been great to be able to spend time with them. We've spent the evenings drinking wine and catching up. While they are at work during the day I've just stayed at their house and caught up on some of the work I've been avoiding as far as looking through my new curriculum for Hutch. I've actually enjoyed the time that I've spent looking through my teacher manuals, and figuring out which books are used and when. I'm really excited about what the next year will bring and the types of lessons I'll be able to teach! I've also been working on creating items for my MAC class that I've been taking this summer (sidenote: The SPED teachers all get MACs at my new school, and I've been working on a PC for many years. While I used a MAC in college for newspaper, it has been awhile. I was confident that it wouldn't take much to figure it all out again, I also decided that it was worth taking a summer class, as well as being able to have some more credit hours!, so that I don't look like an idiot those first days of school). Yesterday Jen and I met at Whole Foods for lunch, and then I spent much of the rest of the afternoon poking around in that store, going up and down each and every aisle. I left with purchases for myself and for my sister (somehow she got more than I did!). I could so easily live in a big city! :) Today I went out and had to buy a cooler to take my purchases home with. This is something I actually needed, so I don't feel so bad about it! I'm forever having to borrow one from people when I need to transport things, so it will be good to have one of my own now! I believe that this evening Jen and I will be going to get pedicures while Craig has a late meeting, and then we'll all meet for dinner somewhere. This little visit has been wonderful, and very restful for me! Thank you Craig and Jen!

This last Sunday marked the last time I would sing at Marion Presby Church. The last several times I've attended I've been much more emotional, and I know that it is because this church has been such a special place for me for my time in Marion. They love me and it is evident! I was dreading this last Sunday because I was doubtful as to whether I would actually get through the song without dissolving into tears. I was able to, but just barely. Pastor Jeremiah said some very nice things about me right before I sang, and I nearly lost my grip! I will miss this congregation, but know that I can always come back to visit easily.

While I've been in Omaha one of the things I've needed to work on is my Grad School Loans, and financing things. This morning I spent quite a bit of time looking at it all. From what I can determine, I've been awarded a Teacher Scholarship from the State of KS, and it will cover all of my expenses as far as college hours. While I haven't gotten my formal letter in the mail yet, the money is showing up in my financial aid package, so I'm very optimistic! I'm still going to take some loan money to cover expenses like books, etc. This scholarship is wonderful, and will help relieve some of the financial burden that schooling can be! This is a scholarship I also got for several years of my undergrad work. It is set up like a forgivable loan program, where as many years as I get the scholarship, I promise to work that many years in Special Education. If my circumstances change (as far as I decide to get out of teaching, or I change to teaching something besides SPED) then I will be responsible for repaying whatever is left from the loan/scholarship as far as how much time is left. I am rejoicing that it all seems to be working out!

Thank you!

Thank you to those of you who have sent up prayers on my behalf since my last post. All 3 items of prayer have been taken care of! :)

1) Facebook can be a blessing, although sometimes just as much a curse, I'm sure! In this case it was a blessing, as it greatly eased my responsibilities regarding breaking the news to the children in my classroom. I have several parents that have "friended" me on facebook, and thankfully they did much of the "dirty" work. I am thankful for the private conversations they had with their children, and how the kids handled it. The kids spread it to each other, but I was amazed at how well 3rd and 4th grade students processed it and shared with each other. Don't get me wrong...there were tears shed by me, and many tears shed by the children, but overall it was a very smooth conversation and much easier on me than it could have been.

2) I have found a WONDERFUL place to live. After a day spent traipsing through some hell-holes and being bitten by fleas, my last appointment of the day was a little bit of heaven. A 2 bedroom duplex, that is just a bit more expensive than what I was hoping for, but still within my price range. Beautiful wood floors, clean and well taken care of, and with very good landlords from what I can tell. Knowing that I couldn't afford to rent 2 places until my move, I wasn't thinking that I would have much luck looking so early. I am so thankful that they are working with me, and made a special deal with me that I could pay 1 month's worth of rent for June and July (basically 2 months for the price of 1), plus a reduced deposit. The duplex came with appliances, but quickly agreed to move them all out so that I could keep my own. Such a relief that I won't have to figure out how to sell everything before moving! Best of all, even though the duplex was advertised as a no-pet property, they have agreed to let me keep my kitty, Manje, and aren't even charging me a pet deposit. I even offered to make her an outside only cat, but they said that as long as she was litter trained that it would be OK. My new place is very (VERY) close to the Cosmosphere. Please stop by and visit! I love to host people in my home!

3) After many worries over whether I would be able to do a home-based business (Massage Therapy), I have been pleasantly surprised. I have been officially approved to have a home-based massage business. The formal process only took about 20 minutes of my time (and was in the same building that I needed to go to anyway to get my utilities turned on--convenient!) As long as I promise not to have more than 3 people working for me or more than 5 people for massage therapy on the property (all this in a two-bedroom house?!?!?!)---and really there were a few more things that I agreed to--the city of Hutchinson is OK with me. I even have an official letter saying so! :)

So far the summer has not gone as I anticipated, but things are working out for the best. I was supposed to be babysitting during the day for the daughter of one of my friends. My friend had said that at some point her fall day-care option might open up (she was thinking mid July) and at that point she wouldn't need me to babysit. Instead, the position opened up the last week of May. So...I haven't been babysitting. Somehow my time has been filled anyway, and I'm thankful for all the ways things have fallen into place. I really feel God's presence in my life right now, and I feel like I am moving in the direction that He wants me to go in. I've made several trips to Hutchinson to clean the duplex, go to my classroom at the 8th grade building, and figure out utilities/details that moving to a new home consist of. While I know I would be able to get it all done even if I had been babysitting, I have to say that it has been very stress-free so far... I'm also thankful for the ease in picking up and driving to Newton to spend time with family...I've been able to stay overnight many times (Thanks Hubers!), spending afternoons and evenings canning, laughing, talking, watching EuroVision, grocery shopping with Heidi(One of my favorite activities!!!!), making Elderflower syrup, working at the massage clinic... So much to be thankful for!

Things to look forward to:

*Travelling to see family in Hershey, Nebraska and taking in the Chautauqua activities.
*Travelling to see family in Omaha, Nebraska.
*Several concerts
*Spending time with family and friends at the reservoir and county lake
*Spending time with family and friends; going out to lunches/dinner and just spending moments together!
*Canning and preserving fruits and vegetables.

Again, thank you to those of you who have sent up a prayer (or two!) on my behalf!

Much love to you all!
Erica

Right now

A friend posted this on Facebook earlier today. I've read an email that circulated awhile back that was very similar, but this is worth a watch. It hits home right now, considering the situation we're facing with the cooperative I work for. The last month or so of my life have been filled with turmoil. I don't feel like I can share right now what all has gone on and is going on, but I would appreciate it if you kept me in your thoughts and prayers. The entire experience has left me feeling very much alone and as if I have little control over anything.

1, 2, 3, 4….5…6, 7, 8, 9, 10….11…12…13!!!!

The other night when Heidi, Tim and Gustav came over I sang this to Heidi to see whether she could remember the song and where it came from. She did. Do you?

This past week I’ve been singing this song quite a bit. We’re counting down the days until state testing, and to help prepare have turned our little small groups into test prep groups. We’ve each taken a state standard and planned several days’ worth of activities for our groups, and then rotated the groups so that each child in the grade will have a session with that particular standard. Because of how few days we have left, one of our groups got combined with another group, and now instead of the 3 or 4 students that a small group normally consists of, my group was made up of 12 students…plus me (everyone shout now—13!!). I sang that song over and over this week as I gave questions to my “small” group, and each time a hand would raise with an answer, I would count them as I sang this song. The kids loved it…and I finally asked whether any of them knew this song. Nope. Guess I’m officially old. I explained that this was a song from one of my favorite shows growing up. “Teletubbies” they guessed. “Barney!” they shouted out… ok, maybe I’m getting younger?  I explained it was a show that is around now, but would have also been around when I was a little girl… This stumped them until one of them guessed “Ben and Jerry”…well, I guess black and white cartoons are getting closer…or at least older… Finally one of them guessed Sesame Street, although none of them had heard this song when they watched. It’s too bad, since I loved watching the pinball machine knock around as the ball hit each peg and a number was sung… I remember looking forward to it each day as I watched, hoping that this would be the day that it would be shown again.

Heidi’s been begging for another blog (I truly think she’s the only one who reads this thing…and we talk often enough that she knows everything before I would write something down and post it) so here it is…

As I thought about what I wanted to write today, there are several things that popped into my head. There’s been a lot going on in my life, and while some of it I would like to share, I really can’t. I am bound my confidentiality responsibilities in my jobs, and I must honor them, even when those things are the things in my life that cause me the most sadness, that give me the most happiness, or those things that I just need to process through writing about it. I’ll just leave it to say that I’ve shed a lot of tears lately. The tears come at times that are understandable…they come at times when I can’t make them stop, no matter how hard I try…there are times that the tears come and there appears to be no good reason for them… a few will drop as I laugh… I don’t feel depressed (please don’t worry about that), there’s just a lot going on in all aspects of my life right now and it seems that tears are the way my body is dealing with it all.

One of the titles I considered today was “Small Successes”, but in reality I’ve got a lot of LARGE successes in my life right now.
1) I just got the letter that I was deemed eligible to take my National Massage Exam. This is a very difficult exam, and most do not pass it on the first try. Kansas law does not regulate massage therapists, but most states require the national test as one of the hurdles you need to jump to be able to practice massage. Not knowing what the future holds for me, I’d rather take (and hopefully pass!) the exam so that I can easily be able to practice in another state if/when I ever decide to move. That and the fact that it provides another aspect of credibility to me and my massage practice. Who knows when Kansas will finally become wise and start patrolling the field of Massage Therapy. Hopefully it will be soon (there are too many people out there practicing who don’t know what they are doing, and give us all a bad reputation!), and then I will be ready. I need to finalize my test date, but I’m hoping to take it sometime during Spring Break in March.
2) I also got my acceptance letter from Fort Hays State University. This fall I will be “heading back to” college to pursue a Master’s Degree in Special Education. This is completely online, so I won’t have to give up my teaching position or move. I’ll be busy between teaching, working at the clinic, and taking classes, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to juggle it all. The last weeks have been full of writing personal letters, asking friends and colleagues to write recommendations on my behalf and researching how to make it all happen. I’ve gotten my taxes completed (at least my portion!) and taken them to my tax guy. I am hoping they get done quickly so that I can then complete the FAFSA and start applying for scholarships.
3) Wine making experiment one is almost complete. After watching my science experiment for the last few weeks, I needed some man-power. I convinced Heidi, Tim and Gustav to come over for dinner and afterwards Tim and Gustav helped me bottle my Riesling. It’ll be another 3 months before there will be any to drink. Tim was a great help to me in the process, and Gustav was so cute trying to hold the bottles still for me as we filled them. Now that we’ve got one bottled, I better start on another…either mead or a red wine this time.
4) After several weekend attempts at baking sweet rolls, I’ve finally got a good result. A couple weeks ago I was browsing in Heidi’s bookstore and stumbled across another gluten free cookbook. Normally I’m pretty leery of gluten free recipes…there are too many people out there that are satisfied with mediocrity…either they are gluten intolerant people who never really had a taste of what GOOD baking is supposed to taste like, or they are “normal” people who think that those of us that are gluten intolerant should just be satisfied with whatever they come up with. There are so many products on the market (they are SOOOO expensive) that just taste like CRAP. I’m sick of buying products and throwing them away. I’ve narrowed it down to a few brands that I trust, and I’d really rather go hungry than try to eat some of what is on the market. Sorry, I’ve probably offended someone now, but sometimes I just need to rant.  But, I digress… Anyway, I decided to buy the book at Heidi’s store because I feel like I need to help support the people I love and the places they work, and I’m always hoping that somehow this product/book/gadget will actually come through and help me make the foods I’ve loved to prepare and eat for so much of my life. In this case…I might have actually stumbled across something that lived up to my high expectations! Yippee!!!

Of course, this book also called for flours that aren’t readily available in my pantry, or at the health food store or grocery stores that I frequent. So, I turned to the internet (although Terri, if you’re reading this, I think that your health food store has this brand!) and ordered some of the flour that I needed. After last week’s flopped cinnamon rolls, I was reluctant to try again. After all, that batch went directly into the trash. I’m so glad that I tried again!

Cinnamon Rolls (adapted from “Gluten-Free Baking Classics” by Annalise G. Roberts)
Dough:

7 TBSP milk, heated to 110 degrees F (I ended up using more than this…the dough wouldn’t hold together and resembled pie crust. I just added milk until it looked like I thought it should. Sorry, I’ll try to measure better next time!)
1 TBSP yeast
¼ tsp. sweet rice flour
¼ cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
2 TBSP canola oil
1 ¾ cup Brown Rice Flour blend (see recipe after this one)
1 ¼ tsp. xanthan gum
½ tsp. salt
Rice flour (about 2 TBSP to use to flour the board)
1 TBSP melted butter

Combine warm milk, yeast, 1 TBSP of the sweet rice flour, and 1 TBSP of the sugar in a measuring cup; stir until well blended. Cover with a towel and set aside for 5-10 minutes until mixture becomes foamy. Mix eggs and canola oil together in a small bowl and set aside. Lightly grease a round cake pan with cooking spray. Mix brown rice flour mix, xanthan gum, salt, and remaining 3 TBSP sweet rice flour and 3 TBSP sugar in large bowl of electric mixer. Add warm milk/yeast mixture, egg and oil to the bowl; mix until blended. Scrape bowl and beaters and then beat at high speed for 3 minutes. Liberally spread rice flour over surface of a wooden board and lightly flour hands. (I spread saran wrap over a cutting board, and then sprinkled with the rice flour). Dough will be sticky. Roll dough around in the rice flour until it is lightly covered. Gently press into a 12x8 inch rectangle with your hands. (I was actually able to roll it with a rolling pin after covering it with the rice flour). Lightly brush the melted butter over the rolled dough. The recipe also has a mixture to put in the inside, but I just covered the butter with cinnamon and sugar the way I’ve always baked. Carefully roll dough, do not roll dough tightly; the individual rolls will rise better if they are more loosely rolled. Using a small, sharp knife cut roll of dough into eight 1-inch slices. Carefully arrange slices I prepared cake pan so that they do not touch. Cover with a light cloth and let rise in a warm place until rolls have doubled or more in size and have filled the pan. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Bake about 20 minutes.

Brown Rice Flour blend
2 parts brown rice flour (extra finely ground—available under the Authentic Foods label—the others aren’t ground finely enough to use without leaving a gritty feeling in the mouth)
2/3 part potato starch (NOT potato flour!)
1/3 part tapioca flour

**Today’s baking experiment was so successful that I’m going to fiddle with the dough some more and see if I can bake some bierocks with it tomorrow night. I’ve got the filling done, so I just will need to make the dough after church.

****UPDATE 2/28/10 I made the dough again today. I used about 14 TBSP of milk instead of the listed 7. I used the sugar to raise the yeast, but omitted the rest of it so that I could make savory Bierocks with the dough. Once the dough was mixed, I made small round balls with it, and rolled them in brown rice flour and then rolled them out. I filled them with a mixture of ground beef,onion, cabbage, salt, pepper and mustard. After baking them, I brushed them with melted butter. YUMMY. I've eaten way too many today! I'll have to put them in the freezer after I give a few more away! There are some things that I have missed so much...so happy to be able to eat them again!

5) Another gluten free baking success! This last week I saw a recipe like this online, and decided to see whether I would like it. I do! Very yummy. I left them without icing to cut out some fat and calories, but they would taste good with cream cheese frosting, chocolate frosting, or peanut butter frosting I think! Maybe next time….

Gluten Free Banana Muffins/cupcakes
1 box gluten free yellow cake mix (betty crocker brand)
3 bananas, mashed
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/3 cup water
3 eggs, beaten
2 tsp. vanilla

I melted the butter in a saucepan on the stove, adding the water and vanilla. I also freeze my bananas, so I took the peels off of them and put them in the mixture to warm up and then mash. After taking it off the stove, I put the yellow cake mix in and beat in the eggs. When everything was moist I put it in the muffin tins. Bake at 350 for about 18 min. or so. It would also be great in loaf form, or as banana cake.



I’ve also got an appointment tomorrow afternoon. One of the students at school just recently got diagnosed with Celiac and her mother needs ideas of what to do and how to alter recipes. I’m hopeful that I can be a resource to these people. If nothing else, I can at least introduce them to some good books, products to try…and be a listening ear!

And now for a few pictures...these are a mixture of the last two Huber visits. Newsworthy items: Popcorn is a big hit with Gustav and Heidi. Tim, Gustav and I spent time making wine. Gustav went poop for the first time at my house, bribed with M&Ms and Curious George.

Success!

I just completed my first (although it won't be the last!) batch of Gluten Free New Year's Cookies! They taste great, although not exactly like the MCC version. Thanks to my friend Julie from Mennonite Girls Can Cook. I altered her recipe just a bit simply because I didn't have any arrowroot. Instead I substituted cornstarch. It worked out just fine.

In a previous post I lamented the fact that I hate the taste of white bean flour. I was convinced to give it another shot by Julie who grinds her own flour. She sent me a little package of flour though the mail...wonder what people would have thought if they intercepted that and saw that it was full of some powdery white substance! :) As promised, Julie's flour had just a bit of the beany taste to it, but none when baked into things. Encouraged by this I bought a flour mill and decided to start grinding my own flour. Unfortunately, it didn't work out as well as I thought it would, and I only could get the flour to a "stone ground" consistency, which won't work with most of my baking. Discouraged, I tried to figure out what to do next. I finally decided that a coffee grinder would work, and so I bought a new one to only use with grinding flours. When I grind the beans at the espresso setting, and run them through 3 times, I finally get the consistency I want. Then I sifted that to get the bigger chunks out. The end product worked great in my recipe today!

Julie's Recipe for New Year's Cookies (Portzelke)
1/2 cup warm water
1 tsp. sugar
1 TBSP yeast
Mix first 3 ingredients and let proof in a warm spot.
Liquid Ingredients
1/2 cup warm milk
1 tsp melted butter
1 tsp. vinegar
2 tsp. vanilla
1 egg
Dry Ingredients
1/2 cup white bean flour
1/2 cup white rice flour
1/4 cup sorghum flour
1/4 cup potato starch
2 TBSP arrowroot flour (I used 3 TBSP corn starch)
1 rounded tsp. xanthan gum
1 tsp. bakingpowder
1/2 tsp. salt
3 slightly rounded TBSP sugar
1 cup raisins

In mixing bow put in liquid ingredients and beat. Add proofed yeast. Mix dry ingredients and add all at once to liquid. Beat on low until blended, then on high until dough is smooth. Add raisins and beat until mixed evenly. Scrape sides of bowl dw with spatula to form a ball of dough in bottom of bowl. Cover and let rise in warm spot for 30-40 minutes. Heat aout 3/4 inch of oil in a pot or small frying pan. When hot, drop by tsp. a dollop of dough into the ol and fry until golden. I glazed them when I was done, but I know that some people sprinkle sugar on theirs.

"New" recipes

I've been baking again. This time I'm not really creating, but altering some well-loved recipes so that I can eat them.

With the Thanksgiving and Christmas season come many memories of tastes I love. As the years go by, I'm sure that I'll have the chance to recreate many of the things I miss. For now I've tackled peppernuts and dill bread.

My cousin Patrick, who was also recently diagnosed with celiac, called me about a month ago wondering about how to go about making peppernuts. Which flours should be used, etc... Peppernuts were not something that I had thought about yet, but when there is more than just me involved, I have more of a reason to start playing. Sometimes it seems like a waste to bake, since it is just me that will eat it all...so although it is something I love to do, it hasn't been a priority lately. Honestly, I'm thankful that Patrick has joined my "team" (and yes, I realize that is very selfish!)...I realize that it is probably a burden for him and for Abbe, but for me it means that there is someone I can call and talk to; someone I can brainstorm with and exchange thoughts and suggestions with; someone that misses the same things I do... It's actually very comforting for me.

When he first called I made some suggestions on where to start for flour mixes. He called his Grandma Schmidt and got the anise Recipe he grew up with, while I focused on the Buller family recipe. One of the people I've met up with on this journey and befriended is Julie from the website Mennonite Girls Can Cook. A fellow celiac, she shares her Mennonite recipes that have been altered to be gluten free. We've been teaming up to figure out a better version of zwiebach, but that has taken a backseat at this point. I figured that I should send an email off to Julie and see whether she had done anything with peppernuts before I tried reinventing the wheel. She hadn't, but was happy to help me as I tried to figure out what would work. She quickly came up with a recipe that would work, and sent it back to me. What followed was a wonderful experience! :) I tried making peppernuts with the flour mix that she suggested. As I mixed them up, I tasted between each addition to see how the dough changed. After the last addition I tasted again, and promptly threw the dough in the trash. While that sounds awful...the truth is that I've finally figured out what tastes so bad to me in gluten free baking and that makes me want to jump up and down and clap my hands. I've been baking for a year now, and I had never been able to determine what it was, but now I KNOW!!!! My mouth and stomach can not stand bean flours. I can not even describe what the taste does to me. I didn't want to completely abandon the idea though, so I tried to figure out what else I could use. What follows is my take on the original Buller recipe (with many thanks to Julie for her help! Her take on the recipe is on the MGCC website!). ***Disclaimer: I'm still fiddling with this recipe. When I baked them out, they became very flat, not the rounded ones I grew up with. The taste (which is most important!) is there though! :)

Gluten Free Peppernuts
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup butter, creamed
1 egg
2 rounded tsp. sour cream or plain yogurt

Add:
1 cup sweet white sorghum flour
1/ cup teff flour
1/2 cup potato starch
1 rounded tsp. xanthan gum
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/8 tsp. cloves
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

Today I'm preparing for our annual family Thanksgiving celebration. With such a large family, it isn't fair to expect one person to do all the cooking, so for as long as I can remember, each family has contributed to the feast. As the cousins have grown up we've also started being responsible for different aspects of the meal. Since I've always loved baking I started volunteering to bring the bread for the day when Grandma B was no longer able to. Even with my celiac diagnosis I've continued to make the breads. Today I made 2 loaves of white bread and one loaf of gluten free bread. Last year I brought only "regular" breads, figuring that I wouldn't miss it with so much other food on the table. I wish that had been the case. This year I'm bringing bread so that I don't feel like I'm missing out on something.

One of my favorite breads is Dill bread. When I was in college Carmen and Patrick's grandmother, Helen Schmidt, adopted me and invited me to all the family meals. This may sound strange to those of you who realize that I went to college less than 40 miles from where I grew up, but I've decided that a person can never have too many grandparents, too many cousins, too many family members.... At every meal I was invited to, Grandma Schmidt would have zwiebach and dill bread. I could never eat enough of the dill bread...slice after slice (and now I know just how bad that was for me!)... Grandma Schmidt is coming to our Buller Thanksgiving tomorrow. I can't wait to have her try my Gluten Free version of the bread she's made for so many meals! :)

Gluten Free Dill Bread (original recipe from the More-with-Less Cookbook)

Dissolve:
1 pkg. yeast (in the Pamela's Bread Mix)
1/4 cup warm water

Combine in Mixing Bowl:
1 pkg Pamela's Bread Mix
2 t. dill seed
1/2 T. minced onion (if using dried minced onion, rehydrate before putting in)

In measuring cup combine:
1 cup cottage cheese
2 eggs, beaten
1/4 cup oil
warm water to fill until 1 3/4 cup mark

Stir well to combine. Let rice in greased bowl to double in size. Punch down. Put into a bread pan. Let rise again. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Remove from pans and brush with melted margarine.

**I also make this in the bread machine on the dough cycle if I need to be doing other things.

2 months flew by

Yes, yet again I have waited far too long to write a blog. It has been months between posts, and I’ve had many “friendly” reminders from several of you…

Highlights of the past 2 months: Oktoberfest celebrated with the Huber’s and their friends; a QUICK trip to Seattle to attend the wedding of my cousin Patrick to his beautiful bride, Abbe; Taste of Autumn (wine tasting event out in the boonies—beautiful art strewn on the Kansas prairie, with tasting stations of appetizers paired with wines—always a good time with the friends I go with!); two, yes TWO, trips to see the musical WICKED while it was in Wichita; a garage sale at my house; as well as a wonderful overnight visit from my dear sister, brother-in-law, and nephew.

There has been much more squeezed into days in between, but it consists of the activities that most would consider mundane.

My last weeks at school have been very eventful. I’ve had a new student that came, and then left within a week. He has found a new school home, one that is much better suited to his needs. I can’t really tell much information about this situation, and certainly not on this blog, but I should say that his needs consumed all of every single day of last week. There are times that people ask why I chose the profession I did, and then further question me as to why I stay. Last week was one of the times that I questioned myself about that. The answers I keep coming back to are that these students need me, that I make a difference in their lives, and that not many others will spend that time with them and believe in them. I AM needed, even if I feel unappreciated.

To top off my excellent week at school, I also made a large purchase. My car has slowly become less reliable (it’s served me so well!), and last week reached a point where a large sum of money would have to be paid to repair it. After many conversations with my father and others, I decided that I should probably start looking for a new car. On Saturday, Dad and I went to Wichita with the intentions of purchasing a new Suzuki. Our plans changed, and I ended up buying a used 09 Mitsubishi Galant. I was sad to say goodbye to my little Malibu (especially the sunroof!), but I have to admit I’m enjoying my new car.

I’ve been spending much of my time lately in the kitchen. Last night I started a batch of Gluten Free Buller peppernuts. The first batch tasted awful and went in the trash. The second batch is now in the fridge waiting to be rolled out and baked tonight. I’m hopeful that they will end up close to what I remember. I also baked a loaf of Gluten Free cinnamon raisin bread last night, which made the house smell wonderful. Tonight will consist of baking 4 loaves of “regular” bread (2 white, and 2 with raisins/cinnamon), as well as starting soup preparations for the big shindig this weekend. I need to also start thinking about pies, and getting those prepared.

In this time of preparation for Thanksgiving, and the Christmas season as well, I should say that I have much to be thankful for. Just a few days ago, the 1 year mark of when I had my thyroid surgery passed. It's hard to believe that it has been 1 year. It's been a year of major adjustments for me, but there has always been good that came from the changes in my life. I have SO much to be thankful for!

Hoping to update soon with a new Gluten Free Peppernut recipe to share, as well as a few pictures.

Love to all of you!

PTL

My sister makes fun of me for many things, but one of the things she has teased me about lately is my use of acronyms when chatting online with her. While my chatting and texting vocabulary is not as large as the average 8 year olds, it IS much larger than hers since she's been out of the country for 3 years now.. One of the latest I've learned is PTL, which a friend used on her facebook update. I had to ask to find out what she was actually saying, and since then I've seen it several more times, and the messages make so much more sense now! :)

PTL: The first week of school has passed. There were several bumps and bruises along the way, but I'm sure things will get ironed out in the next few weeks. This first week has left me very tired, and ready to go to bed at 4:00 when my day at school ends. I've also been doing several massages each Tues. and Thurs. evening, and on Saturdays. The juggling of the two jobs and my normal things around the house (mowing, laundry, dishes, etc...) have made me so tired that I haven't even attempted going to the pool. I'm still hopeful that I will be able to add that back in soon....

PTL: My Dell computer arrived and several days ahead of schedule. I'm slowly loading the programs I use onto it, and spending some time playing and discovering what all I've got.

PTL: Heidi and Tim have found a house, and will be moving their things in starting Thursday. This means the state wide storage rooms will be emptied, and all items will be happily joined together in Newton, not far from Shalom. I'm sure that much excitment and jubilation will be felt as Heidi and Tim unpack boxess and rediscover their long-lost belongings.

PTL: Sunday's special music at church turned out much better than the fiasco it could have been. I'm so thankful that most in the congregation have/had no idea what all transpired.

PTL: I've been blessed by my family who love and support me, who care about me, care for me when I need them, and laugh with me. I can't imagine a better family to be a part of.

PTL: Good friendships make my life so much better. I was able to share dinner with several friends last night at my home, and our laughter until 10:30 last night has caried me through the day today. I've been graced with more friends than I can count, I have many more than "my fair share".

Hopefully you've figured out what PTL stands for (or maybe you already knew!)...if not, try to use your context clues! :) I would love to hear what others come up with!

The last few days

The new school year has begun. So far I've had 3 days of inservice, next Monday will be a work day, and then the children start rushing through the doors on Tuesday. In the space of a week's time, my caseload has grown by 3 students, which is good and bad. With those students come some new personalities, and much more juggling of schedules, whether my own or planning my paraprofessional's. My classroom still looks pretty messy, but I'm hoping that everything will be in place by Monday at 4:00 when I send my paras home.

We've also really begun to feel the economic stress of this year within our county and district. Budgets have been slashed, or are non-existent...we're all being lectured on money saving strategies and conserving resources...and we've been told to buckle down and prepare for the worst. Jobs (for this year at least) are protected...but we've been told to be thankful that we still have them. While things are bad for the special education cooperative that I work for, they are much worse in the district, and more specifically, for the regular education teacher. One of the smartest decisions I ever made was getting my special education degree. I am protected from so many things because of my SPED degree. I have no worries about ever losing my job, which is quite a relief! I also am assured of a quick hire if/when I go looking for a different job. The entire situation really hit home today when I was told by my principal that a para that we had already "hired" had really not been hired because they had decided not to fill the position. While I haven't talked to the director about this situation, I'm fairly certain that there simply is not enough money to hire to replace the para position. This is especially difficult, not only because of the loss of an additional set of hands and presence in the classroom, but because I consider the person that was "hired" to be a personal friend. This person had already gone to 2 days of inservice, and the principal then had to break the news that he really didn't have a job.

Another frustration this week was the death of my laptop. While it was 6 years old, and basically obsolete I was hoping that I could eke out a few more months of service. Thankfully I took some time back in May to clean it off, and so I only lost a few conversations and documents. It could have been so much worse! I was so thankful that cousin Patrick was available to talk to me, and counsel me on whether I should try to repair it or trash it and buy a new one. After determining it was most likely the hard-drive, I quickly came to the conclusion (and Patrick agreed!) that a new computer was in my future. I would have liked to wait until October when there will be a new operating system available, but...I do use my computer all the time at home for working from home for SPED and massage and communication with family, friends and school matters... I'm anxiously awaiting the delivery of my new Dell... I think I got a fairly good computer for not too much money--and I REALLY appreciate the Dell Educator Discount. Every little bit helps!

This past week I've been spending much of my time gathering vegetables from friends and their gardens. I've canned green beans, several batches of salsa, homemade italian sauce, and cantaloupe. Yes! I said I canned cantaloupe! :) It is amazing! Maybe if you're lucky you'll get some for Christmas! Tonight I've started some dough for Whole Wheat Pizza mini crusts that will be finished off tomorrow, and I've baked a cherry coffee cake.

Tomorrow brings two massages at the clinic, house cleaning, and the arrival of my Aunt Terri. Terri will be staying overnight with me, and then heading back to Nebraska after picking up a kitten for a friend. Mom, Dad, Heidi, Tim and Gustav will be joining Terri and me for supper tomorrow night, and I'm eager to spend time with all of them. My house desperately needs to be cleaned, and I'm hoping that it all gets done before Terri arrives!

I believe the last time I wrote I mentioned that I would be getting an MRI to see whether there was a tumor on my pituitary gland. I went back to the doctor this week, and was happy to hear that there is no tumor! :) While I still don't have as much energy as I would like, I'm coming to the realization that this may just be something I have to live with. I am happy that most of my other side effects have been clearing up with the help of the medications that she has prescribed. I am hopeful that that continues. The real test will be next week when I head back to the pool in the mornings (or at least that is my intention!). I may have to ease into it. I know that I'll want to (and expect myself!) to be able to swim several miles at one time, and then head to school like I was doing last year, plus go back in the evenings and swim some more. I'll have to sit down and try to figure out a schedule of when I go, allowing for rest time, and easing into the longer amounts of swimming. I guess I'd rather do that than crash and burn...although I think I'll end up being very frustrated with myself.

Love to all of you!

Everything...

So it’s been several weeks, err…maybe even months…, since my last post. During that time I’ve crammed as much in as possible, and it feels like I need to stop to catch my breath and recover before I head back to school.

My last post talked about how I was leaving the country to spend some time with Heidi, Tim and Gustav. I had a wonderful trip, and loved the time we spent together. I started the trip by travelling to Frankfurt, Germany and staying with them while they finished up the last week of work. Gustav and I had some good one-on-one bonding time while Tim and Heidi put in their last hours at their respective jobs. One of my favorite times of the entire trip was the Farewell Party that Heidi and Tim threw for themselves (odd custom, if you ask me…). It was a wonderful time of fellowship with good friends—sad goodbyes and happy stories were shared. A highlight for me was seeing our former exchange student, Eliane, and spending time with her and another friend in the kitchen. One of our good friends, Kristin, flew in from the Canary Islands to surprise them. While it provided some additional stress for Heidi beforehand (she knew there would be a visitor, but didn’t know WHO), once she saw Kristin, I think all that stress evaporated and she had a great time enjoying the time we could spend together. Heidi, Gustav, Kristin and I all spent time baking “American” treats like cinnamon rolls, and caramel popcorn, and there was plenty of time spent gabbing and telling stories. We spent the last day packing up their belongings and figuring out how they would fit in the vehicle we had rented. We then headed to Hamburg and an overnight visit with our dear friends Reinhold and Gertraud Mesterharm. It had been several years since I had seen them, and it was good to spend a supper catching up with them. Hopefully I will be able to see them again, and much sooner than the many years that have passed between my visits. After Hamburg we headed through Denmark with Sweden as our destination. We had a wonderful drive—rainy until we hit the border of Denmark and Germany and then the sun broke through. It was a beautiful drive, and plenty of country that I had never seen before. We were eager to arrive at our cousin’s house in Vimmerby, Sweden. We had a wonderful visit with Lund’s, spending time at their home relaxing, visiting Pippi Longstocking World, area shops, a fish smoker along the coast,a day spent at a family cottage eating, laughing and playing and wading in a beautiful lake in the evening. Our time in Vimmerby passed much too quickly, and I’m looking forward to a time I can go back again. We left Vimmerby and headed to Stockholm for several days sightseeing there before returning home to Kansas. Favorite spot in Stockholm has to be the Vasa museum, and it was nice to be able to go back and visit again when I’m a bit older and maybe more attentive?  I also enjoyed visiting the marketplace and just soaking up the culture and people.

We returned the rental car (and had to deal with 2 parking tickets we had received along the way), and then started the battle with plane tickets and luggage. I’m glad we got their early and were at the beginning of the line. Many plane rides later, we finally arrived in Wichita and retrieved our luggage. The only thing that was missing was the stroller, and Tim made arrangements so that would be delivered the next day. We headed back to Hesston and much needed rest. The next day we spent relaxing and hosting a Welcome Back/4th of July party for the Buller and Huber relatives. I loved exposing Gustav to the fireworks—he had no fear and was very good at “helping” me. He especially loved throwing the little snappers and then stepping on them to make them pop. He still is trying to stamp things out when we play together…

Since getting back from my travels, I’ve been working at the massage clinic and spending lots of time with friends. I’ve been teaching summer school in the mornings (last week, this week, and next week) and then working in the afternoons at the clinic. Yesterday my cousin Carmen hosted a spa party, so I packed up my table and headed to Wichita. After teaching summer school in the morning, and then doing 6 massages in the afternoon, I was pooped by the time I got home. It was a good time, and I enjoyed catching up with people I hadn’t seen in awhile.

Last Friday, after I got done with summer school, I drove to Hesston and Mom, Dad and I piled into the car and headed to Denver. We stayed with Buller cousin Anthony and his wife Farrell, and attended Johnson cousin Eric and Anna’s wedding in Aurora. It was nice to see both sides of my family—and most importantly, family members I don’t normally see. Anthony and Farrell were wonderful hosts, and made us feel very welcome. On Sat. morning before the wedding, we headed to Boulder and some special shopping for me. We hit Whole Foods, and I found several new and exciting Gluten Free goodies. My biggest excitement is the GF bread by Udi’s. It toasts and holds together like real bread! The texture AND taste are great! We also went to a farmer’s market, and I bought several loaves of Aunt Kay’s breads—she makes wonderful breakfast breads like lemon poppyseed, chocolate zucchini, and cinnamon struesel coffee cake. Pricy, but worth every penny! Even my dad liked it, which means it really had to be good! We spent some time at a local lake, and then headed home to get ready for the wedding. In the evening we were hosted for a picnic like supper, and it was good to get to know Anna’s family, and interact with my own family members.

In other news, I went back to the doctor on Monday. She had ordered some more lab work, and so we talked about that. My thyroid level is being over-replaced, so we are going to alternated 2 different levels of the medication to see whether that makes it better. My prolactin level is also fluctuating, and the labwork wasn’t clear as to what that means. While some fluctuation of prolactin is normal, it depends on the day and activities, the fact that it is not within the normal limit on either of my last 2 labs means that something else could be going on. She has ordered an MRI of my pituitary gland, because there is a possibility that I have a tumor that is making the levels fluctuate. I’ll have that done next Tuesday, and then I’ll go back for another followup appointment on the 11th. If the tumor is what is going on, that could also explain the elevated DHEA levels, which means I may not have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome…. Who knows at this point what is going on. I am happy to know that I am finally in good hands and with someone who will help me get to the bottom of it.

After next week, I have about 2 “free” days (which are already filling up with appointments, and things “to-do”) before I start back to school and full-time responsibilities there. My summer has flown by…

I’ve been meaning to post pictures from the trip, but I think that will have to be a post unto itself.

I'm leaving...on a jet plane...don't know when I'll be back again...

Tomorrow morning, at 10:15 a.m., I'll be leaving to go and visit Heidi, Tim and Gustav. My bags are packed (at least for the most part, there are a few items still getting done in the laundry)...and I'm eager to spend some time with my loved ones.

I'm looking forward to the time we'll spend together. It will be a time for Heidi and Tim to say goodbye to their friends and coworkers, and so I anticipate some sadness. It has been 3 years, and they have made many close friendships. It will also be a time of great happiness (at least I hope!) as I know there are a few surprises planned. As much as Heidi loves to plan surprises, she isn't the best recipient of them... :) How I'm enjoying being on the other end of the surprise and watching her squirm!

I'll be spending some quality time with Gustav while Heidi and Tim finish up their jobs these coming weeks. I'm eager to get to know Gustav again, and spend some good time bonding with him. I haven't seen him since they were visiting at Spring Break time, over a year ago now. I'm hoping the weather cooperates, and we'll be able to do some time playing outdoors, and exploring Bammental together. I'm sure I'll be feeling as though I'm back in Munich and my nanny days...although I'll be a kid short now and won't have to do quite as much grocery shopping probably!

We're renting a car, and driving from Bammental to Hamburg, spending an evening with our dear friends, the Mesterharms, and then heading for Sweden. At this point, we're still uncertain as to what our route will be (and I'm getting a bit anxious about this, since I'm the primary driver) but I'm sure that between the 3 of us and the GPS we'll get there. The uncertainty lies in which ferries/bridges we'll be taking, and how long the trip will actually be. We'll be staying with relatives in Sweden for a few days, and then heading to Stockholm and a youth hostel for the final days before returning to the States on July 3rd. I'm looking forward to visiting the Vasa museum again, and looking for some more crystal to add to my collection.

For some of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you will remember that I invited all of you to my little house in Marion to celebrate "The Dirty 3rd in the Dirty South"--a celebration started many years ago by a group of bachelors that lived down the street that has since grown to gigantic proportions even though the bachelors have moved on--much partying and a fantastic fireworks show. Since I will be traveling home to the US on the 3rd, I will have to rescind my invitation for this year, although I'd be happy to have all of you next year on the 3rd of July at my house. I suppose you can still show up and use my driveway (as I'm sure plenty of other people will be, although please pick up your beer cans after yourself! ;) ) I just won't be able to be there to host and enjoy your company.

Drip, drop, drip, drop

The sun has come out, and is beginning to melt some of the snow that has accumulated since yesterday afternoon. The icicles on the sides of the house are releasing, and plummeting to the ground. The weather lately has been crazy--shorts and sandals weather earlier in the week, and turning to blizzard yesterday. We started with rain, and dropping temperatures, which turned to ice pellets yesterday afternoon, then ice pellets and snow, and then snow in the evening, throughout the night and into this morning. We did get dismissed from school at 1:15, so it has been nice to have a bit of extra time at home.

I was supposed to have 2 massage appointments this morning, but both were cancelled (of course only AFTER I had woken up early and gotten ready!). Instead, I've spent the day in my house, bumming around. I did go outside long enough to shovel the driveway (it felt like we had 12 feet of snow, but I'm pretty sure it may only be about 6-8 inches). The only part that isn't cleared now is the very end--and I'm just going to say 'no' to that...the wonderful city guys have created a mountain at the edge of my drive from clearing streets--I'm hopeful that it will melt soon. I also had to make a path to the rabbits this morning, as the back door was frozen shut from the rain, and drifted snow.

I've got a pile of laundry that needs to be folded, but instead I'm planning on sitting on the couch for awhile, posting this blog, and possibly starting a Netflix movie. There is always tomorrow (church has been cancelled), so the laundry can wait until then. Right now I've got a batch of meatballs baking in the oven, so the house is starting to smell really good. I'll include the recipe (maybe Heidi and Tim can make these for the hausgemeinschaft? It makes a BIG recipe!). This is adapted from a friend's recipe...I think I'll throw a potato in the oven too and have that too.

BBQ Meatballs
3 1/2 lbs hamburger
1 (13 oz) can Carnation milk
2 cups oats (Gluten free, please!!! Bob's Red Mill is the brand I used)
2 eggs
2 t. salt
1/2 t. garlic powder
1/2 t. pepper
2 chopped onions
2 T. chili powder
Mix the above ingredients and shape into meatball shape (you could also bake as a meatloaf, or individual meat loaves in muffin tins) and put into a 9x13 pan. Bake in 350 degree oven for one hour. While they are baking, make the BBQ sauce. After 20-30 minutes pour off some of the grease in the pan, and then pour the BBQ sauce over. Try to bake them at least 30 minutes with the BBQ sauce on them so that they have good flavor. **These can be made ahead and frozen without the BBQ sauce. Then you'll need to bake them about 1 1/2 hours.

BBQ Sauce
2 cups catsup
1 t. garlic salt
1 onion, chopped
2 TBSP liquid smoke
2 cups brown sugar

Mix the sauce ingredients and bring to a boil. Pour over the meatballs after getting rid of some of the grease.

...poisoning yourself, and hoping that your enemy will die...

While driving to Omaha last Friday for my cousin Craig’s wedding, I had the chance to dig out some of my CDs that I haven’t listened to lately. It isn’t often that I’m in one place long enough to truly listen to the words of songs, and think about how they relate to my own life. If you’ve read some of my earlier postings, I’m sure that you realize that I love music. The truth is that while it is a large part of my life, it is sometimes relegated to the background. While I need to have the constant music going, I really enjoy the times that I can sit down and LISTEN.

One of the CDs that I brought with me for the car ride was a CD that Jon, my brother-in-law’s brother, made for me. He ran the sound for the John McCutcheon concert at Mem Hall last year, and was kind enough to burn me a copy of the entire concert. John McCutcheon is one of my favorite folk artists—his songs and stories ring true for me. There were some very special moments in the concert, lots of good stories, and a large group of Mennonites singing 606. It was amazing!

One of the stories that he related that night was about his father-in-law and the wonderful relationship they have. Amid stories about all the good things his father-in-law had brought with him when he emigrated from Cuba, McCutcheon told this story.

“…Carlos is one of the wisest men I know, and the best story teller I’ve ever heard. And no matter what you come to him with, he always has some entertaining and often illuminating story to illustrate what he thinks. A few years back I came to him and told him that I’d had a falling out with an old and dear friend, and the parting was so acrimonious I was convinced we would never reconcile...”

In the conversation Carlos says “Hatred is a terrible thing…it is like poisoning yourself, and hoping that your enemy will die. But I understand the struggle that goes on between good and evil, and love and hatred in a man. All my life it is as though I’ve had two wolves inside of me and each of them are fighting for dominance of my spirit. One of the wolves is good, and lives in harmony with all around it…never takes offense when none is intended, and only fights when it is the last possible alternative and even then only in the proper way. Ah, but the other wolf is so consumed with his own anger and hatred that he will fight with anyone, over anything at anytime. And all my life it is as though these two have been warring within me.”

McCutcheon asks, “Carlito, which one wins?”

“Ah…the one I feed…”

At the time of the concert this song and story struck me, and going back this weekend and listening to it brought several incidences to the forefront of my mind. I’ve been struggling to come up with something to write about here (to my sister’s severe protestations!) and tonight as I thought about some things happening at work, the story and song came back to me.

There are times that I become very frustrated with individuals that I work with. Recently there has been one person who repeatedly presents me with times of frustration. This has been going on all year, and affects not only myself, but an entire team. While I’m frustrated with the situation, there is another individual that has been affected even more than me. This person is a good friend of mine, and as I’ve watched the entire thing play out, I have seen her struggle with how to handle the situation. Yesterday, she reached a breaking point, and it was hard for me to watch. She was frustrated, and in her frustration she spent a good amount of time venting. While I understand that this is what she needed (and honestly it is sometimes what I myself need!), I also reached a point where I realized that sitting around the table and hashing it all out was only making us more upset. At some point, the disgruntled comments have to turn into a plan. I am a fixer at heart, and I can’t stand seeing someone so upset about what is going on.

I spent a lot of time yesterday and today thinking and praying about how I might go about fixing the problem. The situation with our team is beyond repair, I feel. We will be able to make it through the rest of the school year (just barely), but a new plan must be made for next year. My question to myself then was what I should do…and the only thing that came to mind was talking to the director about the issue. I struggle with this because it feels like I’m jumping the chain of command and turning into a tattler. We have tried to mediate within the group, and the truth is that the situation has only gotten worse and tenser. Today I spent much of my “free” time gathering my thoughts, and deciding how to phrase things. I’ve written a letter to the director, and tried to be as fair as possible about the whole thing—attempting to present facts, and not just my opinions about what has gone on. I was tempted to send it this afternoon, but I realized that I needed to spend some more time in prayer. My prayer tonight is that when I send the email tomorrow with this letter, that I will be feeding the correct wolf. I am uncomfortable with discord, and in constant pursuit of creating peace for myself and those around me. I worry that this letter will create discomfort for us as individuals, and as a team; but as a friend reminded me tonight, peacemaking includes dialogue and a resolution to the situation. The only way that will happen is if we open the lines of communication, and involve someone other than ourselves in the situation.

Self Examination

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take it; this is my body.” Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, and they all drank from it. “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many.” Mark 14:22-24

I’ve been processing this since yesterday, and wondering what I would end up writing. First, I should say that I knew that I would face challenges as I accepted this new way of eating. Some challenges are easily met and life goes on, while others nag at me and wait for alternatives. Yesterday’s church service provided me with a challenge that has been gnawing at me ever since, and I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what to do about it.

Yesterday was the first church service of the month, and we celebrated communion together. Or rather, I celebrated parts of communion. Because of the gluten in the bread I had to pass the loaf along. While I know in my heart that God understood my reasons, it nearly brought me to tears having to do it.

Having grown up in the Mennonite church, and being baptized as a young adult, I did not participate in communion all of my life. In addition to that, Whitestone (depending on which pastors we had) did not celebrate communion very often. I remember celebrating it maybe once or twice per year. The act of communion grew to be very special to me, and holds much significance. While baptism only happens once in a lifetime, communion is meant to be observed many times throughout the life of a Christian.

My father and I have had conversations in the past about churches that take communion weekly, and how the celebration that is communion becomes common place to the congregation. While I can understand how that might happen, I often wished that Whitestone had had it more often. One of the things I love most about attending the Presbyterian Church in Marion is that they have communion at least once per month.

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood; you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day." John 6:53-54

While I know that I am no less of a Christian because I’m unable to partake of the bread during communion, I do feel that I’m missing out on something. Communion is a time for us to be together as a community…congregation…body… Am I still a part of that group? Surely I am, but the feeling is still there gnawing at me. Observation of communion is about remembering Christ, his sacrifice for us, and self-examination. I’m still able to remember, to be thankful, but there is something about the physical elements that makes this more difficult to me. As a teacher, I’ve learned about how one must teach to a variety of learners, taking into consideration their specific learning styles. Perhaps the kinesthetic portion of communion is how I’m able to truly reflect, learn and change?

I’m unsure whether I have any more answers now, than when I began this post. I know that the process of writing down my feelings and thoughts is cathartic for me. It could be that I will learn to accept my partial participation in communion, or that this is something I will always struggle with. I do know that avoiding the church on days of communion is NOT the approach I should choose, but I have to admit that today that looks really tempting.

Sing a new song

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord. --Ephesians 5:19

Music is a large part of my life. Growing up in a musical family, I was exposed to many types of musical opportunities, and developed an appreciation for many musical genres. As I go about my day to day life, there is a constant stream of music on my mind, in my ears,and on my tongue.

The day may be gloomy, with dark clouds and sleet coming down. At times, depending on what else is going on in my life, my mood will match that. Even when I'm upset there is a song that will match my mood or feelings. Often, the music of my mood is what gets me out of the funk, and on to better things.

The children in my classroom have grown accustomed to me breaking out in song. They grin and giggle each time, and then turn back to their work. Sometimes if they know the song, they'll sing along with me. Even if they don't, they try to hum along. In their time with me they've been exposed to many more types of music than they would have otherwise, as well as the exposure to academics, of course. :)

When one sings, the whole body reverberates with the sound. Deeper breaths=more oxygen in your system=quite the calming effect. For me, it heals my body and lifts my spirits. When preparing for surgery, there were only 2 things I was really concerned about. One of them was what my voice would be like afterwards, and if it were gone, how I would deal with it. I deal with all the "stuff" of life through music, and how do you come to terms with things when your ways of processing are taken away from you? I will be forever thankful for the fact that I'm still able to sing.

All of that to really say this: Today was a tough day for me. There are things that I'm worried about with family members and today brought no answers, even though they were promised. To add to that, I had a student in class who had a difficult day. He's one of my behavior students, and while he's had a good year this year, today must have been a challenge for him. In reaction to it, flying pencils, chairs and books were made a part of my day today. Through it all I had a song going through my head. I've been listening to a lot of Carrie Newcomer lately. She has plenty of songs that reflect my moods and beliefs. One of her songs is called "Geodes" and speaks of how we sometimes overlook the truly wonderful things in life. The chorus of the song especially resonated with me today.

All these things that we call familiar,
Are just miracles clothed in the common place.
You’ll see it if you try in the next stranger's eyes,
God walks around in muddy boots,
Sometimes rags and that's the truth.
You can't always tell, but sometimes you just know.

The student today comes from an awful family life. He's clothed in castoffs from other foster children who've moved on, much too big and worn. His academic needs are enormous--not because he isn't a smart little boy, but because life circumstances have gotten in the way. While he's had quite the history of behavior problems in the past, this is really the first instance he has ever shown aggression with me. Today there was a substitute teacher in his regular education classroom, and any change for a student with behavior issues can cause problems. I'm unsure whether the chaos of the classroom was what caused the problem, or whether there was something deeper bothering him. In either case he doesn't have the skills to express what is truly at the root of the problem. Even while I was dodging items today, I knew that somewhere within is the child he's been all year long for me. Instead of anger at him, I felt an incredible sadness, and an anger that he's had to deal with so much in his short life. I was able to get him calmed down, and he was able to apologize to me before leaving my room this afternoon. I'm hopeful that he is able to find some peace and that we'll be back to our normal relationship tomorrow morning.

Pinning Ceremony

This evening is my pinning ceremony, a celebration of all my hard work, and signifying an end to the classes I've been taking over the past 2 years.

The graduation ceremony starts at 6:30 at the Bowne Corby building (BCCC) and reception will follow. You are invited if you'd like to come!

So thankful

I am so blessed to have the family I have.

Heading into Thanksgiving and the Christmas season this year, I was filled with uncertainty. With all the changes in my life recently, I knew that not being able to eat the foods of tradition would be hard for me. In my daily life sticking to the gluten free diet is relatively free from angst, but the holiday season is all about tradition. And most of our traditions center around FOOD!

Again, I must say how blessed I am. Both the Buller and Johnson sides of my family really made an effort to include me and my special diet in our holiday traditions. Whether it was making gravy from cornstarch; making sure the soups for our gathering were gluten free; baking Ostkaka with tapioca and rice flours; making amazing flour-less desserts for dinner or purchases of special rice pastas--everyone really made me feel included. My parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have really thrown themselves into learning about this, and helping me stay safe. THANK YOU!

Even my grandmother revamped her cooking for me. I knew that going into this she would most likely be the one that would struggle with it the most. She's amazed me at how well she substituted and was willing to try different things. We even spent time baking caramel cinnamon rolls together one afternoon. While they weren't quite what she would normally produce, they were good (even she admitted that, and she's a tough critic!).

I'm including one of the desserts that we made during my time on the farm. Aunt Terri found it in one of her internet searches... These little cakes are scrumptious! We served them with Aunt Terri's homemade icecream (thanks to Mulberry the cow, too!).

Lavish Lava Cakes (originally from the Hagen Dazs website)
1 1/3 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
5 T. butter
3 eggs, separated
1/4 cup sugar
2 tsp. finely ground espresso beans (I may have used a bit more! ;) )
t T. unsweetened cocoa powder

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Generously butter six 3/4 cup ramekins or custard cups (we used muffin tins).

In the microwave heat chocolate and butter on medium power for 1-2 minutes until butter is melted. Stir, reheating if necessary to melt chocolate; set aside. Stir egg yolks and 2 T. sugar into chocolate/butter mixture. Add espresso.

Place egg whites in a large mixing bowl; beat until foamy. Combine remaining 2 T sugar and cocoa powder, gradually beat into whites, until soft peaks fold over when beaters are lifted.

Stir 1/3 of the chocolate/butter mixture into the whites mixture. Gently fold in remaining chocolate mixture until completely combined. Divide evenly between cups. (Can cover at this point and refrigerate up to 24 hours before baking.)

Bake 10-12 minutes until puffy and cracks form on top. Edges should be firm and center moist between the cracks. (Bake 14-16 min. if refrigerated) Cool 3 minutes . Then either serve in ramekins or invert and serve on little plates with ice cream and dusting of cocoa powder.